Fleeting and everlasting sorrow

This is my first story, although it is atypical for me to write stories that end happily, I thought this one turned out rather well~

Just a quick commentary: I had originally intended to use the title Traumerei, after the last chapter of Meine Liebe [the manga,just in case you didn’t know, it means My love], but I started to feel that the title wasn’t appropriate. Then translated the song Hakanaku mo towa no Kanashi, or Fleeting and Everlasting Sorrow by UVERworld and I decided to rename this story Fleeting and Everlasting Sorrow, after this wonderful song and I added a short paragraph of the translated lyrics at the top, fitting enough for the story ^_^

Fleeting and Everlasting Sorrow

“Love can only give me pain,” you murmur to yourself

Were you ever scared to believe, and cried about it?

Admit you’re weak, and grow stronger through it

Don’t be scared, do your best to believe

And you will find true love.

Fleeting and everlasting sorrow,UVERworld

I saw him, his back still turned against me. Looking at the waves that lapped against the shore. I hesitated. Hadn’t I already ruined his life enough? Have I not caused enough trouble? I wanted to vanish in the bowels of the crowd… but I had something to do first…

I awkwardly walked behind him and murmured, “Hey.” He turned. I looked down and muttered, “I’m sorry, for tearing you and Jade apart. And thank you…for everything…” With that, I turned to leave. He held me back. It was gentle, like he was, it didn’t make me stay, but I stayed of my own free will. And I turned.

He glanced into my eyes, like they were beacons of light in the sea of darkness. He held me close and whispered in my ear, “Ellie… it’s ok…Just…let it all out…”And I stared out into the inky-black darkness.

My voice was a bare whisper, “You know I don’t deserve this…. I don’t deserve your forgiveness…or love.”

And his voice, barely audible above all the sobs, murmured, “You deserve me… Ellie…”

I felt myself trembling and moisture on my face and incoherent words coming from my mouth. And I remembered this feeling in a long ago, far away memory… my body was shaking, wracked…. Tears were streaming from my eyes…

I was crying.

And this was the first time I cried in many years…

Ever since my heart died.

He murmured in my ear, “ Ellie… I was in the darkness…I couldn’t hear, see, touch anything anymore…but you reached out your hand to me in that world, and I took it because it was beautiful, and it brought me into a world that I didn’t want to be part of, but which I was happy to be part of, because I could bring you happiness…”

And I cried more. He believed the lie I had woven for myself. But…he had given meaning to my life. And he had given pretty colors to my life. That…was my life he was describing, with his words.

I knew, in that moment, I would never forgive myself for hurting Jade.

I would never ever let myself go for this.

But I reached up and kissed him gently.

And he kissed me back.

It was fleeting and probably, everlasting sorrow indeed…

But in that moment, that fleeting and everlasting sorrow gave birth to hope…hope for me… No, hope for both of us.

What had I not done to get him? I had used every means possible to my mind…hinted…teased… even tried to make him jealous by dating someone else… And he…he never got it. And I thought that I was just a mere little sister, just someone to talk to, just someone to comfort, someone to smile and share feelings with, to provide a shoulder to lean on. But…I felt so much more than that… I felt like I had waited for this someone my whole life. He was the one that saw through me lies and disguises… and to see my soul directly.

I was living a life that was dead…I wanted to commit suicide all the time. I didn’t ever want to play the games in politics… I paid many times over for that- been labeled an outcast, been sent to the councilor, been labeled an odd kid by my own teachers. My teacher said she had never ever seen such a case of ostracization in her many years of teaching, when all that had happened was that I didn’t care enough. My empty tears were not because of a terrible self-esteem… they were because everyone was too blind. I wanted to scream out all the time: Please, please, someone save me… Is it a crime not to care? A crime not to be normal, not to want the things everyone else wanted? A crime not to have an idol; not to have or want a boyfriend? A crime to want to be a psychologist, and not to be a lawyer? And if it’s not a crime, why such punishment?

And at home, I played a role for all at home. What was the use of breaking one more heart? I’d rather break my already shattered heart, rather than bringing it upon others, as my pride dictated. When my parents found out about my social life, or lack of, they decided it was time that I did something; when all I wanted was out. And I did that. Just to make everyone happy…

My life was one whole lie. Assumptions, society views. And if that meant keeping everyone happy, I was prepared to do this my whole life…

But I met him, and then I started to see the beautiful things in life… not the ugly tongues of malice, or of lies, not the eyes that judged my speaking, my next-to-perfect English, but the colourful flowers all around me, the hues of the sunrise and sunset…when I was with him… I started thinking of him more and more…unknowingly, I feel into the river of love…the one place that too many die rather than survive. I tried keeping myself in denial – For how could I fall in love… at first sight?! My mind told me to forget him, but I couldn’t…that was beyond my abilities. He even told me he loved me…but my pride told me to refuse his advances. So, to complete the lie and hide my feelings, I introduced him to Jade, my best friend. I didn’t dismiss the glances he gave Jade, Jade returning them… I seethed in jealousy, but then I thought to myself: What was the worst that could happen?

My question was answered- he asked Jade out.

And to hear that he asked my best friend out… I was…wrecked. Not crushed; that was too light a description. I was a total wreck for days; I started crying uncontrollably whenever I heard something that reminded me of his smile and laugh and when I was alone. He must have sensed that there was something wrong with me- after all, he looked through my many lies. But he ignored it... Too scared to look into my face? To face me? But that must have been me- He had done nothing wrong…I on the other hand… I was too scared to admit to myself I loved him, too afraid to face up to myself…

But…I picked myself up, and I decided I could live without him. What else could I not do? I had wishfully thought that he could be my boyfriend- Now I would dismiss that thought…And I was successful…for a while… I started dating Jordan, though we did break up after a week of being together- He couldn’t stand my aloofness, and I couldn’t stand his self-centeredness, so we went our own ways. Or maybe I knew…I knew that I wasn’t meant for him, for I was still waiting for him. And so our relationship was doomed from the beginning because of me? Of course, I still prefer the first excuse….

But Jade told me many times, “Whenever we’re alone, all he does is talk about you… it’s like he likes you better than me.”

And I comforted her on that, though I felt glad that I did mean something to him after all- enough to mention me in front of his girlfriend. But I was lonely…I wasn’t willing to go back to my old way of life… I wanted to be his girlfriend, I wanted to be someone to him… I wanted to be Jade. So I had to swallow my pride, my constant companion…

So after another IM conversation about Jade, about what she was to both of us, I offline IMed him, “I really loved you from the start you know, but since you decided you loved Jade more than me, I respect that… It’s not right for me to snatch Jade’s boyfriend. She’s a nice girl. Value her.”

And I waited , scared.

And he offline Im-ed me telling me, “This isn’t about what’s right or not, this is about who we want to be with…”

And I felt a spark burn in me again.