Like a long ago dream...

We played, in the wide field where the sun always shone. It was bright… So bright…I had flowers in my hand, and some in my hair, and both of us were laughing and running barefoot… It was so pretty, so peaceful… And she kissed me gently and I giggled…and we were touching…inappropriately… but shudders ran through my body and she pushed me onto the velvety blanket of grass, and we continued our touching and kissing…

And I awoke, my eyes dark with sadness of the loss. I walked to the mirror, and I saw my eyes… the dull eyes at night… but then I blinked again. And my eyes had a glimpse of light in them, again. I was dreaming, I told myself. There was never such a place, there never was such a person, there should never be such a dream….I repressed the thoughts of “Would I?” in my head…

I would never do such a thing.

I smiled. I would be going to many parties, and my beauty would stand out amongst all the drabness; all the wallflowers in the houses. I was a beauty, and beauty shone through. As per always.

I looked at myself in the mirror. Normal, 5 feet 5 tall, but with shining dark hair that cascaded down to my waist, and a beautiful face that reminded me of a china doll, even, never mind what anyone else said. My body, covered with the thin nightgown, was lithe and my skin color was a soft cream. I was beautiful, I was desired, and I had money to spend. I would have money to spend. Men are such fools… And women played on that…

I opened my wardrobe. Hats, dresses, scarves coats and whatnot appeared in front of my eyes. I took my time in dressing, yelling for my maids to help me with my dresses, my petticoats, my accessories, till I was perfection. My eyes, expressive and lively, biting wit, yet showing a little stupidity…for men hated clever women. All they wanted was a trophy, a beauty that could talk, but was a little dumb on the other hand- someone who would demonstrate how women were all about the looks, and how men were all about the brains.

I sighed softly.

I walked out, ate breakfast quickly, before I went onto the streets with my umbrella and of course, my maid. I was visiting my elder sister, just across the road. I would have taken the carriage, but it seemed like too much trouble.

As I crossed the road, I saw a beauty, but she was dressed in rags and it must have diminished her beauty some. She has golden hair, as gold as the sun at midday, her features were sharp and angular, but they created an exciting rhapsody with her face and her eyes were as blue as the may sky…

And she murmured, “I love you… My darling…”

And I started.

And then we walked along the sparkling river. And she and I were wearing the light dresses of summer and the sun was setting behind our backs.

I gave her a second glance, and she glanced back at me.

I stepped back…

She was that girl…. That beautiful girl… from my dreams…

And then I wanted to reach for her, to tell me that my dreams weren’t the truth…not the many years I forgot…

But she has disappeared into the crowd. I wanted to raise my hand, to make her stop in whatever way I could…

But I let her slip away into the crowd of grey, and I could feel tears rolling down my cheek.

I was crying for something. Something that I wasn’t even sure about… I wasn’t even sure what was reality, what was false? I didn’t even know my parents… I tried to recall to myself how much I knew about them… and all I drew were blanks…My own godammed parents! I yelled to myself.

And we held hands by the river…but we were seen…and my parents slapped her…not me, I was too precious…And warned her not to get close to their daughter again… and when I protested…that was when all the dreams went blank…

I stepped into my sister’s home. I looked at the sparking chandeliers hanging above me, the immaculately waxed floors. A gentleman invited me to dance, and I accepted. A voice in my head told me this was not the time… I had to find out about my past. The sparkling place, the beauty all didn’t matter…In this time and space, I was the only one that did matter…

But I danced to Bach, and I reasoned to myself.

There would always be tonight.